about the days many years ago when I had dropped out of college (where I did most of the things that would haunt me for years to come...), had no clue of who I was or wanted to be, and was just existing. I waited tables, drank, smoked, numbing myself with that and trying have a good time. I didn't know how I had gotten to the place I was mentally, developing as a person... My family always directed my life and I was too naive to know that wouldn't work. I figured that out the hard-way and before I started taking care of myself, I just existed... in this haze of looking back trying desperately to find out what went wrong and why I didn't see my life as I should have... Resentment filled me... to all those who said they loved me, but I didn't feel that they had every really cared about what I wanted for myself, just what they wanted for me. It would take a long time to get through all of this... I wanted a way out, but I could not find it.
Back then, Siamese Dream (the Pumpkins' second album), was a staple and as I said in my previous blog... Mayonaise really struck a chord in me. Excited and thinking about the show this weekend, I went and read the lyrics to that song which brought these thoughts out... and in reading these lyrics, it was easy to see why I felt (and still feel) this way about Mayo.
"Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June
We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go
I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream
And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad
When I can, I will
Words defy the plans
When I can, I will
Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this
No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will"
When you have a few minutes, listen to this song in the player on this page. It's so much more moving with the music.
- MC
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2 comments:
Its funny...the way you describe "just existing" somewhat describes me now.
Don't you love how some music just seems to speak to you? I remember during a really bad point in my life, I used to listen to an old Staind album. I found it really comforting and felt like I could totally relate to what the guy was writing about in his songs.
You said in your last blog "be true to yourself"... In some ways, I figured that out before I knew who I was. I just had to wait it out before I could do it.
As far as music goes, it has always played a huge part in my life and does speak to me. Staind is a good example cause you can feel his lyrics were real to him and that really comes through!
I tend to "latch" on to certain albums and just listen to them over and over. Then, I'll move on to the next batch and only listen to them...
I really think if I traced that back, I could easily determine my mental state from Jr. High on! LOL
Wouldn't that be great! We just invented a new type of clinical evaluation. Full Music History!
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